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I Once Was Lost...

Running.  Faster and faster.  I keep stumbling over branches and roots.  I don’t know where I am.  Why can’t I find Him?  Where did He go?  

I’m exhausted, so I lay down on the damp grass.  Any glimpses of light have already faded from the sky.  Only a still, bleak darkness remains.  

I’m lost.  And I’m the only one.  Whimpering and weakly calling over and over to Him.  Will He come for me?  Will He come look for me?  I don’t know if He will.  It’s all my fault anyway, I ran away.  I didn’t mean to in the first place, I just meant to step away a bit.  The other side looked so much easier, I just wanted to go over for a minute.  But then it turned into a day, a week, and as everyone else kept moving on, I stayed farther and farther behind.  I thought I was together.  I thought I was fine - a pretty good thing.  But somehow, I strayed off.  And here I was, trying to find comfort in a dark, cold land.  

I knew I would never be able to find the way by myself.  But I just kept on trying to hope - He WOULD find me, wouldn’t He?  

I called out to Him, over and over.  Praying He would come pick me up and put me in His arms - the place that I would be safe forever.  "Please, please," I would cry, “find me please." 

With my last ounce of strength, I whispered, “Father, I am yours.  And nothing can ever take me away from You.  You will find me."  

And all was dark.  Silence. 

But then, I felt His arms.  He came and cradled me - wrapping me in His soft cloak.  

“It is not the will of your Father that one of these little ones should parish.  You are mine, and I will not ever loose you.  I will protect you and keep you safe.  Even when you’re frightened, you will know that I am here because I will say so."

I was found. 

—-

“What do you think?  If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying?  And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nince that did not go astray.  Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should parish." -Matthew 18: 12-14

My Land.

I loved my land.

The place where the soft purple flowers bloomed on the hills every spring. Where the neighbors would go visit each other riding on their blue, red, green, or yellow tractors.  How with every wisp of wind, the long grass would flicker and dance from luscious green to soft silver, from warm gold to brilliant jade.  No fear could find us as we would walk along the lonely roads—dodging the gaping holes, looking over the low bridges to stare deeply into into the nearby creeks and rivers.  Birds could be heard singing softly through the trees: bringing in every sunrise and laying down every sunset.  The warm, musty, smell of the earth clung to every bare foot and shirt.  Admired the lightening, gloried in the thunder, and praised for the rain.

I loved my land.

Here I could rest content, leaning against his side as we rode to the back in our tractor.  Feeling the supportive arm wrapped around my waist—assuring me I wasn’t going anywhere.  Loving the uncontrollable laughter at the peculiarity of the animals.  Raising our voices with every “Ho Cow!" and “Hey!": calling the animals in for their daily bread.  We would always sit on the back porch talking of the work and drinking sweet, iced tea—talking about how the grass grew and the new calf born.  Just me and him.   Sometimes my brothers, sister, or mother: all talking to our Papaw and “Dad."  We would build fences and make hay, dig ponds and catch fish.  Telling stories ‘round the campfire and jumping from behind trees: yelling and giggling at the surprised faces and squeals.  Loving the family, loving the food, loving the laughter, and loving the land. 

And then, he was gone.  Gone forever from the land he fostered and built.

And for some reason, I didn’t love the land anymore.  Never walked down the quiet roads, never went to the back.  Stayed away from the pond and shunned the cows and chickens.  Stopped watching the sunrises and forgot the song of the birds.  Put on the socks and shoes and left the beauty of the grass.  

Because he was gone.

It wasn’t just my land, it wasn’t our land—it was his land.  His land we stayed on, played on, lived on, worked on.  And I couldn’t stand it.  For without him, I felt lost: living in a place I barely knew.  For every small whiff of the land wreaked of the pain embedded deep within our hearts.  And so, I forgot the land.  We still took care of the cows and chickens—but with a mechanical movement devoid of feeling and emotion.  

So, time went on.  Leaves changed and fell, air moved from cool to cold.  Christmas came and went.  Happiness was felt, laughter was had, but tears were shed too.  We could no longer hold hands and pray without remembering his missing voice and talk of blessings.  The new year came, the earth came alive from its long sleep, and we lived on.

And then, it was spring.  

And with new life, brought new hope.  Slowly but surely, the love returned.  Still marred with tears, pain, and sorrow, but filled with glimpses of hope and flutters of true joy.  We walked the roads, cut the grass, planted the flowers, and sang our songs.  Stayed up long and talked of memories.  Learned to love and let love live.

Yes, he was gone forever from this earth, but his life and legacy remained in every blade of grass, new calf, and old wooden fence.  His songs and the soft strums of the guitar could never be heard, but the words didn’t change—even if the voices did.  No words can be said, no thoughts can be shared, but life was here.

I loved the land.  But more than that, I love the people who live on the land.  The people who built the land.

Carry Us Through

So I am not a poet - in any sense of the word, :) but the other day when trials and burdens seemed slightly overwhelming, God put a few words on my heart. 

---

When we're feeling lost and lonely,

The only thing that we can do,

Is look to Jesus, the pure and holy,

He will always guide us through.

When we're feeling weak and helpless,

Devoid of hope and hurt from pride,

God is always there to help us,

He will always be our guide.

When we're overwhlemed with worry,

When our burdens seem too hard,

"Simply to the CROSS" we'll carry,

"Everything to God in prayer."

---  

Back at the beginning of this past fall, I was talking with a friend on the phone.  We were talking back and forth about how crazy it has been and about how much everything changes as the years go by.  I was also sharing some frustrations that I was facing, as well as feelings of inadequacy in my physical and spiritual life.  Pretty much, for some reason, I was convinced that I wasn't doing enough: enough school, enough work, enough struggling.  I was convinced that whatever I was going through was less then everyone else because it wasn't enough.  

Well, God bless her, she knocked me on my noggin and told me to think again.  

"Listen girl, don't you think that whatever you're going through, whatever you're experiencing, is any less than anyone else because it's different.  What happens to you, what you go through, is specific to you.  It's not any less hard, or less growing, than what I go through or my Mom or whoever, because it is happening to you!  God know exactly how he wants you to grow, and what you go through fits into His plan for you."

(I have awesome friends). :)

Anyway...it could be that you're trying to find out what to do with your life.  You may be unsure of what is ahead, or you could be belittling yourself like I was.  But, like my friend pointed out, don't forget that God has a plan for you.  That God knows what's best in ALL circumstances, even when those circumstances seem like the farthest thing from anything good.  Don't get down and overburdened with your future or your life or your circumstances, but simply to carry all your hopes, sorrows, and fears to God.  He will always carry us through. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."-Joshua 1:9

"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know."-Jeremiah 33:3

"Be still, and know that I am God..."-Psalm 46:10

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."- Isaiah 41:10

A Reminder

A while ago my Mom and I sat down in Panera Bread, our steaming cups of decaf coffee keeping our hands warm. Roasting next to the fire, we talked and laughed and cried about all matters of the heart.  Well, my heart that is.  It's a tricky thing to deal with, the heart: that thing that wants to love, deceive, bless...

But not only does it do this, it also asks big, lurking questions about all things.  Specifically about my faith.

Am I truly saved?  I'm such a sinner, how dare I ask for God's mercy?  If everything we do is supposed to glorify Him, than why spend times on other things?  On things like entertainment or education that take away our time from the Lord?  Is it good to question my faith?

All I can cry out is "Save me, oh Lord!"  And I have no others words.

A months ago, my family was standing in a circle holding hands and praying, and a certain thought started to bother me: If we should be focusing on eternal things, then why do we have "things" in the first place?  If we truly focus on these eternal goals, then why spend time other things?  Like I said up there, on things that take us away from our personal time with God?

But no matter how many questions I ask myself, my mother, my father...only truly God can answer these questions.

Some people accuse this of being too simplistic.  But you see, that's part of the beauty.  That doesn't mean we are not accountable for our sins or what we do, but that does mean that we don't have to worry.  We don't have to worry about who we're marrying, or what we are doing with our education.  This doesn't mean we don't prepare, wait, watch, and pray...but we don't worry.

Give Me Jesus

"In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus

When I am alone

When I am alone

When I am alone

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus

And when I come to die

When I come to die

When I come to die

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus"- Give Me Jesus

(the song is below if you want to listen to it while you read the lyrics)

photo credit

Our God is In Control

"This is not how it should be

This is not how it could be

This is how it is

And our God is in control

This is not how it will be

When we finally will see

We'll see with our own eyes

He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God

And we will finally really understand what it means

So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God

While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be

When we started this journey

But this is where we are

And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter

There will be sweetness forever

When we finally taste and see

That our God is in control"

- Steven Curtis Chapman. "Our God is In Control"

---

You know, it's terribly hard to completely trust in God.  To give your whole life to Someone you have never met, to Someone who doesn't always give the answers that you want to be heard...

To be able to surrender all your hopes and dreams to God, knowing that He will be able to take care of you.  To truly believe that everything is for a purpose: that nothing is by chance or happenstance...

...requires faith that only God can give. 

He is the knower of all things.  He is the Alpha and the Omega.  All-powerful.  All-knowing.  All-comforting.  He is the perfect Father.  Perfect Friend.  Perfect.  

Why do we go through trials?  Why do we struggle so hard?  Why do we have to feel pain?  Why is it that we need God so much?

Because HE is glorified.  Because HE has a purpose--even if we don't know why.  Even if we wish we didn't have to struggle or hurt.

He never tires of us bringing our struggles to Him.  He always know the answer to give.  He always knows what is best.  He delights in comforting us, His children who He loves so much.

Still, we are left wondering, hurt, scared, doubtful, scarred...

But it's comforting knowing that we don't have to fully rely on ourselves for support, strength, and faith.  Because we would fail so completely and miserably.  We would become blinded by our own sin.  Make horrible decisions.  Ruin our lives. Destroy our families.  Completely and totally fail. 

But when He is in control,  He makes the decisions.  He guides every step.  He pushes us near to Him in ways that are sometimes hard. That hurt. That sting...

...but He is always in control. 

"Though this first taste is bitter

There will be sweetness forever

When we finally taste and see

That our God is in control."